Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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