I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
