i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
