Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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