I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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