and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
