Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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