Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
