dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
