but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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