Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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