Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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