So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have aggressive nipples.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
