I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
