i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize