If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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