So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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