me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
