I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
