Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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