we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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