My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
