So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Come on in and take your pants off
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