I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
