This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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