omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
