I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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