I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
