Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
