Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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