Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
