I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
