apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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