I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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