Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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