someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
