Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Congratulations! We have a period
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