I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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