somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
