Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
