We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
