There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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