Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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