Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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