Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
