he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
