remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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