i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
