i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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