I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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