I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
